It's all really very simple.

Feb 01, 2002

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The state takes both, and gives you a little milk…once.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you spoiled milk.

COMMUNISM, CAMBODIAN: You have two cows. The government sends a teenager in a red bandana to shoot them, then he shoots you.

COMMUNISM, CHINESE: You don’t have any cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonalds.

COMMUNISM, CHINESE: You have two cows. You take care of them. The government takes all the milk but you are encouraged to steal some of it back (before someone else does).

COMMUNISM, CHINESE - MAO STYLE: You have two pigs. The government launches a campaign to convince you to donate them voluntarily to provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don’t need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbors try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your neighbors starve.

COMMUNISM, CUBAN - CASTRO STYLE: Fidel Castro has two cows. They are F1’s, a cross between the Cebu cow and the Holstein cow. Only one cow, White Udder, works. When she dies she is stuffed and placed in a museum by Castro, The Dictator of the Cows, where future generations could admire her magnificent udders. You have not seen cow milk since 1985.

COMMUNISM, CUBAN: You have two cows. Fidel tells you some undercover CIA agents have infected all of the cows in your region with a foreign disease that kills the cows. You and your family become malnourished. It begins to occur to you that Fidel doesn’t know what he is talking about.

COMMUNISM, CUBAN: You no longer have any cows. They sailed to Miami. You still have no milk - but you do have Fidel.

COMMUNISM, PURE: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. Well, maybe the local bully gets more, or a few neighbors ban together to kill you so that there is more milk for everyone else.

COMMUNISM, REAL WORLD: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most ability and who has the most need. Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

COMMUNISM, RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Then the government sends you to prison.

COMMUNISM, RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. A vote is held, and the cows win.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products. You go bankrupt.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk and then blame Japan while border guards beat up Mexicans sneaking into the country. People are outraged for a week or so and then go back to televised sports where there’s no violence.

DEMOCRACY, BRITISH: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps’ brains and they go mad. The government doesn?t do anything.

DEMOCRACY, REPRESENTATIVE: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both cows and drafts you.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

EUROPEAN UNIONISM: You have two goats. The EU declares them to be fruit in order to conform to a rare Belgian custom of making Cow Jam (jam being required to have at least 45% fruit).

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. You give the milk to the government and the government sells it.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes one away and presses it into military service.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FRISBEETARIANISM: You have two cows. One of them flys up on the roof and gets stuck. You hope the government provides cow ladders.

IDEALISM: You have two cows. You get married and your partner milks them.

INDUSTRIALISM: You have two cows. You dissect them both, and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.

Keywords: | humor | government | economy | cows |
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