Stupid orcs. Stupid fellowship. Stupid ring. Funny parodies.
Originally written by Cassie Claire. Reprinted with permission from the author.
The Very Secret Diary of Arwen Undomiel
Day One
Broke up with Aragorn today. He would insist on giving me a clay pipe and a pair of breeches for Valentine;s Day when I specifically requested a nightie. Have sent him away from Rivendell.
Day Two
Bored and lonely. Regret having sent Aragorn away. So what if he wanted me to dress up in a curly wig and hop around on my knees during intimate moments? Am sure other humans have equally odd hangups. Wish I could be interested in Elf men, but ever since debacle with Glorfindel back in Second Age when he accused me of copying his hairstyle, have given up on my own kind.
Day Three
Someone's been trying on my dresses again. They are all stretched out of shape, especially the purple one.
Day Six
Legolas got all shirty when I accused him of trying on my dresses. He says I have impugned his masculinity. What masculinity?
Day Eleven
Legolas still sulking. Says other elves making fun of him now since whole dress-trying-on-incident. Says they no longer take him seriously as a man. He must have missed it when Daddy called him “the gayest gay elf that ever nanced down the pike” at last Council meeting. Or maybe he just didn't understand it; he's awfully pretty, but not so bright.
Day Thirteen
Too, too, too bored. Perhaps will leave Rivendell in search of adventure, or shopping.
Day Fifteen
Went all the way to the Gap of Rohan only to find there is no Gap in Rohan. Not even a Banana Republic. False advertising!
Day Seventeen
Went to Bree. Asked Barliman if had seen Aragorn lately. Barliman said, “What, that pervy hobbit-fancier?” Told him he must be thinking of other Aragorn son of Arathorn. He said, “The 'Still Not King' guy, right?” Did not respond; some people don't deserve my conversation.
Day Eighteen
Have been following Aragorn for two days now. Have never really seen hobbits close up before. Suddenly business with curly wig and prosthetic feet starting to make sense. V. annoyed. Slow burn.
Day Twenty
Doesn't he ever wash his hair when I'm not around?
Day Twenty-Four
Is official. Aragorn a complete pervy hobbit-fancier. Is obviously into little blue-eyed hobbit Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Cornered Sam while he was out looking for herbs. Explained to him exactly how was possible to kill human men instantly and silently using just a fork and a rubber band. Turned him around, gave him little push in Aragorn's direction...alas no dice. “But we need him to protect Frooodo, scary elf lady!”
Whingy little hobbit, I've no patience at all.
Day Twenty-Six
Finally decided to take care of Aragorn myself; was about to slit his cheating throat when was distracted by howling moans of Ringbearer. Decided to annoy Aragorn by hobbit-napping bite-sized hero and taking him for extended pony ride.
Little hobbit really rather adorable, blast him.
Cannot believe am getting all swoony over hobbit. Repeat to self: “Aloof, unavailable elf princess. Aloof, unavailable elf princess.” Especially cannot believe am getting all swoony over greenish-looking, half-dead hobbit.
Day Twenty-Seven
Chased by Ringwraiths. So tedious. Off to Rivendell.
Day Twenty-Nine
Well, really. Cannot even get near Ringbearer, as Sam is always there, plus caught Aragorn sneaking around in shrubbery by hobbits' quarters. Claimed he was looking for shard of Narsil he had misplaced.
Day Thirty
Hobbits such a bother. Kitchen staff fussing — all out of carrots. Bathroom staff fussing — all out of strawberry scented bath bubbles. Legolas fussing — will not let me go to Council meeting as then he will not be prettiest. Strain is obviously getting to Daddy. Asked me yesterday in haggard manner whether I thought purple suited his complexion. Told him of course not, he is so obviously an autumn.
Day Thirty-Two
Spent all day hanging about on bridge looking pretty before Aragorn happened along. Accused him point-blank of hobbit-fancying. He told me that Isildur had been a pervy hobbit-fancier, and he was just trying to build his career in a similar fashion. Told him: “You are Isildur's heir, not Isildur himself.” To which he replied, “If only you were a bit shorter, and had bigger feet.”
Day Forty
Spent quite the night with Gimli. Those braids! That axe! I am smitten. No more hobbits for me, it is dwarves all the way now. Well, perhaps might just pop by one last time to watch Sam give Frodo his bath. After all, I didn't filch that bathroom key out of Aragorn's pocket for nothing.
The Very Secret Diary of Elrond
Day 1
Bad breakup with Isildur. As if the pervy hobbit-fancying wasn’t bad enough, he would insist on wearing tacky gold jewelry against my advice. Confirms my suspicions that humans not just weakest race of Middle-Earth, but also cannot accessorise worth a damn.
NB:
Big battle, we won, Sauron defeated. Plundered Barad-dur but notable lack of pretty things to take home. Sauron’s decorating tastes definitely running towards black, knobbly, tattered look. So not me.
Day 3
Isildur set upon by orcs and killed. Told him his poor dress sense would attract all the wrong sorts.
Day 2,0045
So bored in Rivendell. Have decided to hold council meeting and name it after myself. Will invite all eligible males of Middle-Earth who have nothing better to do on a weekend to come. Go me!
Hope Legolas does not attend; still remember party in Second Age where he disappeared mysteriously, along with two gallons of my favorite strawberry bath suds, a bottle of olive oil, and three of those tiny hobbit creatures from the Shire Isildur was so strangely fond of.
Day 200048
Drat. Legolas first one to RSVP to my party invitation. Wish he would not use scented pink stationary as makes me sneeze. Did however offer to bring game of Twister to play. Along with disco ball I borrowed from Sauron back in First Age, should make for quite the party.
Day 200050
Unexpected surprise as Gandalf stopped by, apparently just to have a whinge about big fight he had with Saruman. Tuned him out—do I look like an Agony Aunt? Why does everyone come to me with problems?
Day 200051
Gandalf does not like Twister idea and has rejected my suggestion of a polka music theme for the Council. Instead insists we sit around and talk about boring old fate of Middle Earth, defeat of ultimate evil, blah blah blah. Don’t see why we all have to suffer just because Isildur couldn’t give up his jewelry habit.
Day 200059
Gandalf made me return disco ball to Sauron. Told me to sort out my priorities. He should talk—he’s the one who attracted a crowd this afternoon with that pointy hat trick he likes to do. Glorfindel so horrified by pointy hat trick he would not stop sobbing spasmodically until was calmed by liberal application of hobbit weed. New generation of elves such wimps.
Day 200061
Everyone finally arrived for party—oh wait, I mean boring-ass Secret Council Meeting. Ponced off myself to have a sulk, and bumped into smallest hobbit hanging about the greensward. Took him for inanimate lawn ornament at first, but soon was furnished with proof that he was very much alive. Says his name is Pippin. Perhaps Isildur was onto something with all those hobbits after all.
Day 200068
All right, who’s been using all my strawberry bath bubbles?
Certainly wasn’t Aragorn, judging by the state of *his* hair.
Day 200071
Loud giggly splashy noises emanating from first floor bathroom. No one can get in. Legolas practicing his nancing in the meeting hall, Boromir hanging about the shards of Narsil, obviously hoping Aragorn will show up, and Gandalf still breaking in new pointy hat. Tried to have a quiet think in the garden only to discover someone had dug up all the carrots. Is there no peace to be had?
Day 200072
Refused to let Arwen attend Council of Elrond, as if she does, she will certainly notice I have borrowed her tiara.
Tiara looks better on me anyway.
Day 200075
Council very boring. Got to say “DOOM” a few times in v. dramatic voice but am afraid Ringbearer was not impressed as was busy fending off advances of Aragorn, who was making all sorts of suggestive sword comments. He better watch it. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Tried to cheer self up by trying on favorite purple dress of Arwen’s, but am fairly sure someone was watching as could hear tittering noise coming from broom closet. Do not see what is so funny—purple dress looks fabulous on me.
Day 200076
Fellowship leaving tomorrow. Decided to give Pippin goodbye tour of Rivendell. In process, purple dress got all stretched out of shape. Hope Arwen does not notice—she gets so grabby about her things, and since they’ve closed the Gap of Rohan, probably no way to get another dress like it.
Pippin told me purple is so my colour. Go me!
Keywords: | still the prettiest | slash | parody | Lord of the Rings |
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