Stupid orcs. Stupid fellowship. Stupid ring. Funny parodies.

Feb 03, 2003

Originally written by Cassie Claire. Reprinted with permission from the author.

The Very Secret Diary of Pippin Took

Day One
Was out pilfering vegetables when bumped into Sam and Frodo. Had a nice little roll around with Frodo in corn before was forcibly removed by Sam. Must have word with Frodo about letting servants get overly familiar and grabby.

Fell down hill. Merry v. disappointed that he broke his carrot. After he found one that was just the right shape, too.

Day Two
V. nice in Rivendell. Sick of rooming with Sam though. Constantly sopping wet and reeking of strawberries. Also tired of elves mistaking me for unusually lifelike lawn ornament.

Day Three
Joined Fellowship of Ring for a lark. Everyone v. nice except Legolas seems a bit testy. Yesterday held me upside down over crevasse until I admitted he was the prettiest elf in the Fellowship. Did not feel like pointing out he was only elf in Fellowship, as crevasse was very deep.

Day Seven
Has been Twenty-five days since met Aragorn and he has not yet washed his hair. Is really starting to bother me.

Day Nine
Sam all wrong about Boromir. Really very nice man. Invited me to go for a walk with him tonight and said he would let me blow his Horn of Gondor. Can’t wait.

Later that night:
Always thought blowing the Horn of Gondor was supposed to summon armies of the West?

Apparently not.

V. educational, all the same.

Day Eleven
V. dark in mines of Moria. Still sort of a relief as means Boromir cannot corner me and complain how Aragorn is insensitive, stuck up git with hobbit fixation. Pot calling kettle black if you ask me. Aragorn obviously way into Frodo, however. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Thirteen
Caught Legolas waxing soles of Aragorn’s boots, thus explaining why Aragorn keeps collapsing into his arms. Tricky elf.

Aragorn still hasn’t washed his hair.

Day Fourteen
Gandalf dead. Everyone morose. In attempt to cheer up Fellowship, Legolas took off all his clothes and performed scenes from Silmarillion: The Musical.

Everyone still morose. Legolas ponced off to have 3,000-year-old elf prince sulk.

Day Fifteen
Lothlorien v. pretty. Accidentally walked in on Gimli taking a bath. Now understand what Gandalf meant about there being scarier things than Orcs. And was that Aragorn hiding under all the bubbles? May have nightmares for weeks.

Day Sixteen
Aragorn washed his hair. Hurrah.

Maybe it really was him under all the bubbles.

Day Twenty
Boromir wrote me a poem. Merry says I am leading him on. Of course, Merry also says I cry like a girl. Merry a total bastard most of the time, actually.

Poem not very good. Did not rhyme. Feel slighted.

Day Thirty
Told Boromir I did not feel ready to commit, so he went and got himself shot by Orcs. Honestly. Humans so oversensitive sometimes.

Have been kidnapped by Uruk-hai. Not very friendly types. Merry says we may have to shag our way out of captivity. Suspect Merry looking forward to it, useless wassock. Orcs v. smelly. Suddenly miss Boromir.

The Very Secret Diary of Saruman the White

Day One
Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude anonymous letters to Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru.

Perhaps will have a look at the palantir.

Day Two
Have met v. nice guy via palantir. He seems to really like me for me and not just because am most powerful wizard in Middle Earth. Wonder what he looks like.

Day Three
Am becoming disenchanted with palantir guy. Refuses to send me photo, except of one v. large eyeball. Says he is shy but I rather suspect he is fat, or perhaps hairy. Have heard some v. bad stories about palantir relationships. Should probably cool it for a while.

Day Seven
Well, wouldn’t you know, palantir guy turned out to be Dark Lord of Mordor. Just my luck. Could have been worse, I guess. Sauron not far or hairy, just disembodied force of evil. Must go now, have to raise massive demon army to scourge the earth. Also, have manicure appointment. Is no easy task keeping nails pointy.

Day Nine
Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by and he knows I hate drop-ins. Wanted to yap on and on all about the ring he gave his new boyfriend, terrible pervy hobbit-fancier old Gandalf is. Disgrace to the Order. Just wants to show off and remind me that he’s got a hobbit, and I’m just dating an eyeball. Well, Saruman the White does not stand for this treatment. Showed him my Wizard Wrestling Federation moves. Have delivered smackdown. Go me.

Day Thirteen
Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to taunt Gandalf. Should have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where could taunt more effectively, and would not have to wait until after breakfast.

Day Fourteen
All right, who’s been spitting gum down on the orcs? Honestly.

Day Fifteen
Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped. Ah well. Will save me daily stair climb.

Day Sixteen
Have been watching in palantir. Gandalf faffed off on extending camping trip with four hobbits, a v. buff elf, and rather fanciable human—oh bother, that’s Aragorn son of Arathorn. Once threw him out of Isengard for whinging about not being King yet. Then there’s a shady-looking character and some kind of hairy newt. Or maybe it's a dwarf.

What a bunch of yobbos.

Day Twenty
Have crossed orcs with goblin men in caverns below Isengard. V. tedious experience as orcs and goblin men most reluctant to breed, even with dinner and flowers. Next time will try something easier, such as breeding goblins and cheerleaders to create super-perky army that can travel by day and will not complain about pink uniforms.

Day Twenty-two
Did not know when decided to make demon army for Sauron that would be so darn messy. Curse my decision to be Saruman the White. Should have decided to be Saruman the Muddy Brown, or Saruman the Faintly Greenish. White just shows all the slime.

Day Twenty-four
If keep watching in palantir, perhaps will see Gandalf do pointy hat trick?

Day Twenty-five
Gandalf did pointy hat trick! Ringbearer v. impressed. Aragorn obviously fancies trousers off the Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Twenty-six
Hairy newt is most definitely dwarf. Caught him playing hide-the-helmet with one of the hobbits. Other human seems to be Boromir of Gondor. Am I only one who has long wanted to ride to Minas Tirith and tell Steward that “Gondor” sounds just like “gonad” and they should find less silly name? Perhaps it is just me.

Day Twenty-Eight
Uruk-hai nearly ready to go. Watched Fellowship a bit today. Boromir convinced smallest hobbit to “Blow the Horn of Gondor.” Have not laughed so hard since set Balrog up with Gandalf during Second Age and Gandalf stuck Balrog with restaurant bill. Palantir great. Better than cable.

Keywords: | still the prettiest | slash | parody | Lord of the Rings |
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