Stupid orcs. Stupid fellowship. Stupid ring. Funny parodies.
Originally written by Cassie Claire. Reprinted with permission from the author.
The Very Secret Diary of Boromir of Gondor
Day One
Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He thinks he’s so great because he’s shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn’t mean that....what? Got distracted there for a bit.
Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn’s enormous...rudeness.
Ooops.
Day Three
Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.
Day Four
Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back. Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he’d feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his…
Stupid Ring.
Day Five
Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.
Ha Ha! Ha!
Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Six
Aragorn still into Frodo. “Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo.” “Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras.” “Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo’s head while he’s asleep so you can get at the Ring.”
Blatant favoritism most annoying.
Day Ten
Why isn’t Aragorn into me?
Day Eleven
Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria.
Kind of liked it, actually.
Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too…
In other news, Gandalf died.
Day Thirty
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my rugged yet unwashed manliness.
Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose.
Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realised in nick of time he did not mean with each other.
Stupid Aragorn.
Day Thirty-three
Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won’t even let me look at it. Must admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it. Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.)
Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!
Day Thirty-five
Killed by orcs.
Stupid orcs.
The Very Secret Diary of Frodo Baggins
Day One
Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam gave me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful. Wasn’t quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured it has something to do with Elf medicine.
Day Three
Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.
Day Four
Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn on the ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.
Day Six
Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt.
He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call.
Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Ten
Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow.
Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too.
It must truly be an object of awesome power.
Day Eleven
Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard hat not just for show.
Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. peculiar.
Day Twenty-four
Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me and pinch me as he has been doing lately.
Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.
Day Twenty-seven
Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she kept saying, “No, there’s something else I’d rather have from you, Frodo Baggins,” and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches. So, gave her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them. Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.
Day Thirty
Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not affecting them. Although did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor other parts.
Pippin does remember we’re cousins, right?
Right?
Day Thirty-three
Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite huge.
Day Thirty-six
Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor.
Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those platonic, brotherly foot massages he’s so good at.
Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on. Ah, well, he never would have liked me anyway.
Keywords: | still the prettiest | slash | parody | Lord of the Rings |
Posted by Laughing Muse • 3306 views • Share this link • Newer • Older
Click here to join