Must See TV as a terrorist weapon. (Wow...it's useful for something!)
Written by humourist Jim Shea. Current events aren’t necessarily a laughing matter…but then again, what better way to fight sorrow than with laughter?
I originally received this in email, shortly after the terrorist attacks on the cities of Washington D.C. and New York, New York.
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The Taliban are not a fun bunch. And under their repressive rule, Afghanistan is not a fun place. In fact, the closest thing they have to entertainment there is when the men get together at an old soccer stadium to watch a thief have his hand amputated. I am not making this up. Among the things that the Taliban have outlawed are music, movies, television, radio, the internet, cards, books, magazines, newspapers, games, fireworks, poetry, art, dancing, picnics, wedding parties, children’s toys, dolls, kites, cameras and again — I’m not making this up — pet parakeets. Another thing that is prohibited is applause, which is not really that big a deal because it’s kind of hard to do one-handed.
As for dating, forget about it. If a woman is even seen on the street with a man who is not her husband or a close relative, she can end up at the soccer stadium on the business end of 100 lashes. And that’s if she is single. If she’s married, she can be stoned to death.
No, the Taliban are not what you might call easygoing. Rather, they are extreme fundamentalists whose rigid beliefs have about as much to do with mainstream Islam as the Spanish Inquisition did with Christianity.
What’s more, they are to gag for when it comes to tolerance. While Islam tends to be conservative by nature, it also acceptant of other beliefs. With the Taliban, it’s my way or the highway. If the is one thing the hard-liners hate more than someone having a good time, it is our way of life.
We should exploit this.
We should wage a little psychological warfare. While the serious business of responding to Osama bin Laden and his hosts is being planned, we should use the lull to irritate the bejesus of the Taliban. How? By bombarding Afghanistan with American pop culture. We can attack them with cargo planes loaded with everything: Yankee caps, Dockers, “The Weakest Link”, large Dominos with extra cheese.
I’m telling you, these Taliban types are so uptight that after a couple of days of “Jerry Springer” and designer sunglasses, they’ll be begging us to take bin Laden.
Here’s the plan
Day 1: We throw the Taliban into an absolute tizzy right off the bat by carpet-bombing the country with thong underwear, lots and lots of multi-colored pairs of men’s thong underwear.
Day 2: We drop images on them, weird, unsettling photos of Marilyn Manson, Barney and the Mardi Gras, and of course, the current Michael Jackson.
Day 3: Now comes the reading material: the Sunday New York Times, People, Rolling Stone, Stephen King, Harry Potter, Doonesbury and the Bill of Rights.
Day 4: Music is next: It arrives by way of millions of preloaded Discmans featuring rap, pop, disco, heavy metal, country, easy-listening (hey, this is war), old time rock n’ roll and, for good measure, something by Orrin Hatch.
Day 5: Time to drop the big one, American television: Friends, The Simpsons, Sex and the City, Politically Incorrect, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, Temptation Island and Seinfield, just to see who’s master of their domain.
Day 6: If they haven’t lost their will by now, this strafing will do it. Here’s where we let ‘em have it with movies, but not just any movies. We’re talking take-no-prisoners flicks here: Animal House, Caddyshack, The Nutty Professor, Meet the Parents and There’s Something About Mary.
Day 7: We give the Taliban one last chance to hand over bin Laden. If they don’t, we drop the neutron bomb of all strangeness on them: millions of huge color photos of Dennis Rodman in his white wedding dress.
Keywords: | terrorism | pop culture | Jim Shea | humor |
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