Why I choose not to have children. Ever.

Feb 09, 2001

We’ve got a work ethic that infuses almost every facet of the culture: everything is work, and there is no excuse for slacking. This, in part, means that many people simply assume that all women want to have children at some point in their lives. I have a healthy work ethic, but I don’t want to have children. If hysterectomies were voluntary procedures, I would have had one shortly after I hit puberty. My appendix will probably get more productive work than my ovaries.  My reason for not wanting children isn’t based in childhood unhappiness, or in fears for my health, or financial worries. It’s much simpler than that. Problem is, my reason sounds to most people like an excuse or a dodge.

American society (and to an extent most Western societies) is full of messages that say that women should not only have children, but should want to have children. New mothers are like zealots, trying to convince other women to have a child because it feels so great. When you find a truly enthusiastic woman, the experience of being coerced into giving birth can be like attending an Amway sales convention or a religious revival. Some people may argue that a woman’s body is made for having children, and that by not having children I’m not fulfilling my potential. I reply, I have the ability to use a handgun…or a club, for that matter. Should I then go out and shoot or beat people to fulfil that potential? I think not. Bearing children is one thing that I am physically capable of doing. It doesn’t mean that it’s something that I should do. (Another analogy is: I have the physical capability to have sex with every man I meet, and there’s no -=WAY=- I’m doing that. For one thing, there just aren’t enough colours of pink.) Others may say the Bible tells that God charged man with being fruitful and multiplying. I say to them, read the rest of that verse. You know, those last little words that read “...until all of the Earth shall be filled.“ Have you taken a look at global population numbers lately? We’re there and past the point, and still the population is growing. The annual global birth rate exceeds the death rate, meaning that there are more and more people on the earth every year. Unfortunately, the resources — like food, space, even something as simple as meaningful work — aren’t keeping pace.

But underneath it all, I didn’t choose not to have children because of any noble reason like not wanting to contribute to overpopulation, or breaking the stereotype of all women wanting children. Those are explainations, true; and I do believe that they can be good reasons for not having children. But the real reason is that I don’t want that responsibility.

Children can be a joy to their parents (just ask the mother or father of any newborn), but they’re also a responsibility. This is another person that you have to care for, feed, clothe, shelter, teach, and entertain. This is no short-term job, either. This will go on and on for at least eighteen years, longer in many cases. You need patience, and tolerance, and a sense of humour. It seems to me that many people have children without considering the responsibility they will have for these children, and giving the matter a really good think. They end up unhappy. The children, who are completely innocent and have no coping mechanisms for this kind of wrongful blame, bear the brunt of the unhappy parent’s dissatisfaction.

I know myself well enough to know that I would not be happy as a mother. Setting aside the physical pain of passing a bowling ball and the back troubles my pregnancy would give me, I do not have patience when I think someone should know better. I am very patient with ignorance, and several people have told me that I’d make a great teacher. But when I believe that someone should know something, and they either don’t know it or don’t know it and make no effort to find out, I’m not a pleasant life form to be around. Kids make lots of mistakes. They push boundaries. This is all a part of learning and growing up, and sometimes they have to make their own mistakes and take the consequences. Being a good parent means finding that balance between supporting your child and smothering them. I simply don’t have the patience to keep finding this ever-changing balance.

I don’t think I could be selfless enough to give a child the mental and emotional arsenal that they would need to thrive in today’s world. Sometimes I’d be a great parent. Other times, I’d be a hideous parent. I would want to do things that I couldn’t, and I’d get resentful and take it out on the child. Okay, let’s revise that. I’m sure that if I suddenly had to care for a child, I could probably modify my behaviour and become more supportive to the child. I just don’t want to if I don’t have to. I don’t want to take on the responsibility of raising even one child. Two cats are enough, and they mostly take care of themselves. They don’t ask for allowance, they don’t need to be clothed, and they don’t need braces. They won’t ever be attending university. They won’t call me nasty names, then ask for the car keys in the same breath. I always make sure they have enough food and water, I clean out the litterbox, I play with them, I take then to the veterinarian every year, keep their claws clipped (that and bathing them are adventures in and of themselves), and I let them know how much I love them. I get someone to watch after them whenever I go on a trip. I enjoy petting them, watching them, and playing with them. But I don’t have to teach them right from wrong. I don’t have to let them go out on dates with other cats who I think might not be good for them. And while owning a cat can also be a commitment of eighteen years or longer (if we’re lucky), cats are able to care for themselves after a few months — not after a few years. Of all mammals, humans have the longest time span where the young are utterly defenseless, and completely dependent on the parent for the basics of living (5 to 7 years). Humans aren’t even physically mature for the first decade of their lives. Our society has effectively extended the time of childhood out to 18 years. While this does give children more time to simply learn without having to divert resources toward survival, it does mean that the parent is partially to completely responsible for providing at least the basics of survival for nearly two decades. That’s a long time. I don’t want to do that. The payoff is not, for me, worth it.

I don’t get along well with most people. I am not incredibly social. Given a choice between attending a party and reading a book by myself, I’d choose the book every time. I know that it’s just a matter of learning. But if I don’t truly long to be the parent to a child, then I shouldn’t take on that responsibility. This isn’t like cooking a meal, or even building a house, where if you don’t like the results you can just throw it out and start over. This isn’t even like writing a program, where you can erase the offending code (or leave the program untouched for months at a time). You have one chance at helping this person grow, and the tiniest mistake can have unforseen consequences and the cost of fixing the mistake can be very high, both to society and (most importantly) to the child itself. Plenty of other people make the decision to have children, and lots of them are very happy. That’s great! People who really want to have children and raise them, who know the responsibilities involved, are prepared to take on those responsibilities, and still really want to raise children…should definitely have children.

I just don’t want kids.

Oh right, on that “passing a bowling ball” remark: I’ve heard from a number of mothers that giving birth gives you a feeling like no other in the world. There is pain, yes, but afterward you feel so amazing..! Got news for ya, folks. That’s a very simple chemical reaction. A pregnant woman’s body is in varying degrees of pain for four to eight months, not including the birth itself. Once the baby is born, there is no longer a weight pressing on the kidneys and other internal organs. There’s an instant weight loss of 20 lbs. or more (the baby, plus the fluids), which means that the back isn’t being stressed. Weight is removed from the pelvis. The leg muscles don’t have to support this weight any more. It’s a huge release of endorphins as your body’s systems slowly come to realise that they’ve just been freed of constantly carrying around a 20+ pound, 2.5-foot-round object. That great feeling that women get from childbirth is your body -=partying=-.

Keywords: | family planning | childfree |
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