It's one of the four geek food groups. It's also a major historical force.

Nov 01, 2001

6 Million B.C.: No chocolate. Nobody leaves their cave. Why bother?

5000 B.C.: Discovery of fire, and also the toasted sandwich.

2560 B.C.: Egyptians build pyramids. Chocolate lovers plan to make Pyramints.

2000 B.C.: People in China invent ice cream: no chocolate. Resort to using vanilla. The people revolt and tear down the Great Wall.

1800 B.C.: Mystical rocks of Stonehenge are shlepped to southern England, honouring the great god Choco. Druids break their teeth trying to eat them.

753 B.C.: Romulus and Remus establish Rome! Still no chocolate. Romulus kills Remus because he doesn?t care.

120 B.C.: Lions at Coliseum stop eating men; insist on chocolate instead.

43 B.C.: Rome conquers England, in search of chocolate to feed the lions and Emperors. They don’t find any, so Caesar is killed in the Theatre of Pompeii.

1066 A.D.: Norman Conquest of England to gain access to chocolate. Apparently, they didn’t listen to the Romans.

1100 A.D.: Dyslexic Aztecs discover chocolatl, start using cocoa beans as money. Economy suffers when people eat their profits. Aztec society fails.

1200-1300 A.D.: People still hunt for legendary land of Atlantis, in the hope that it contains chocolate. Also, some knight named Lancelot falls in love with Guinivere.

1453 A.D.: The French end their Hundred Years’ War with England, agreeing that neither one nor the other has a secret stash of Ferrero Rocher which they are hiding from the ambassadors.

1492 A.D.: Nice Italian boy named Columbus sails to the New World. Go, Christoforo! Unfortunately, he doesn’t find the chocolate yet. Quite surprisingly, his crew mutiny.

1506 A.D.: Leonardo da Vinci tells Mona Lisa to say cheese. Mona doesn’t feel much like smiling…if only he had waited thirteen more years!

1519 A.D.: Hernàn Cortès, Spanish adventurer comes to Tenochtitlan in search of gold. Finds legendary treasure of chocolate, kills the Aztecs and takes the chocolate home. Rich Spaniards suddenly get fatter. Leonardo da Vinci eats chocolate, is overwhelmed and dies. So that’s why he didn’t paint it at this time then. Martin Luther sees the Pope eating chocolate and gets jealous; he starts the Protestant church.

1520 A.D.: Chocolate on sale in slab form, rich people make houses with them as bricks, not remembering tales of gingerbread houses, and the poor people eat them. Poor people are executed.

1601 A.D.: Shakespeare’s Hamlet first performed. It wasn’t until after chocolate was discovered that the reason for his depression became apparent.

1608 A.D.: Landing at Plymouth Rock. Pilgrims eat with Indians, who bring along some risotto, antipasto and a nice Chianti. They don’t bring chocolate, so they don’t last the winter.

1657 A.D.: Chocolate introduced to England. A cocoa house was opened in London, the Humble Petition and Advice creates the House of Lords, but no one attends as they are all in the Cocoa House. The republic falls and monarchy is later restored.

1776 A.D.: America demands to be free from England to make its own chocolate. Instigators later travel to what is now Wisconsin. American chocolate proves to be poor, and the Americans subsequently turn out to be neurotic and always visiting psychiatrists about chocolate inadequacy.

1848 A.D.: Communist Manifesto written. Not a word about chocolate. Communism ultimately fails as a result.

1859 A.D.: Charles Darwin’s Origin of Species published. Court case centred around whether monkeys ate chocolate too.

1840 A.D.: Queen Victoria gets mammoth chocolate bar as a wedding gift. Also, 10 toasters, 35 cake plates and 15 fruit bowls. She really wanted a digital watch.

1903 A.D.: Wright Brothers succeed with first flight at Kittyhawk. Belgium’s chocolate export plans are looking up.

1908 A.D.: Henry Ford fed up of walking to the shops for chocolate. Inspired, he builds the Model T.

1937 A.D.: Stock Market Crash. Men leap out of Wall Street windows, distraught at inability to afford good British, Swiss and Belgian chocolate.

1939-45 A.D.: World War Two. Switzerland remains strangely neutral. (And sells chocolate to both sides.)

July 20, 1969 A.D.: Man goes to Moon. Run out of chocolate. Man goes home. Barely managing to survive the trip.

1970 A.D.: Beatles cross Abbey Road to get some Bourneville. Sweet store is closed; band breaks up. Sad.

1989 A.D.: Berlin Wall crumbles like a nice Cadbury’s flake.

1991 A.D.: Brian Adams writes a song devoted to chocolate; &lquoEverything I do, I do it for you.” It stays in the charts till…

1992 A.D.: Whitney Houston’s “And I will always love you” knocks it from the top spot. Chocolate lovers everywhere sing along to their favourite bar, and divorce rates rise.

1994 A.D.: Forrest Gump declares that life is like a box of chocolates? Film becomes instant hit.

1999 A.D.: Millennium Dome opened; no chocolate stand.

2000 A.D.: Millennium Dome closes after only one year. Chocolate lovers laugh.

2001 A.D.: Chocolate reigns supreme.

Keywords: | humor | chocolate |
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