Air travel isn't fantastic. Air travel under the care of wannabe comedians...not much better.
Airplane trips can be about as exciting as food poisoning. They’re worse than car trips with your sibling, because even with the intense crowding you can’t hit them and scream, “Will you stop touching me!!!” Occasionally, you’ll get a flight crew that knows your pain and looks to alleviate it…just a little.
Either that, or they’re blowing off their own steam so that they don’t shove you in the lav and lock the door.
Pre-flight
“Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it’s warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it’s dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y’all wanna go there I really don’t know.”
“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than us.”
“Pushing the light switch over your head will turn on your reading lamp, but pushing the call button will not turn on your stewardess.”
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.”
And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Our airline is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
An attendant said the following: “We flight attendants get up real early and go to the airport so we can sign up for a flight with the most handsome pilots. When you are departing the aircraft, look in the cockpit and you’ll see that today we slept late.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.”
“For those of you who haven’t been in an automobile since 1965, we will now explain how to use your seat belt.”
“Welcome aboard flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
“If there is a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. The bags will not fill with life giving oxygen until each of you has paid each of us five dollars.”
“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”
“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.”
“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
While flying from LAX to Las Vegas, we taxied for an interminable amount of time. We taxied to several runways and seemed to turn around and go through it all again. The copilot came over the speaker and announced “Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has finally decided to drive us to Vegas.”
Keywords: | travel | humor | airlines |
Posted by Laughing Muse • 803 views • Share this link • Newer • Older
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