Must See TV as a terrorist weapon. (Wow...it's useful for something!)
Sep 22, 2001
Written by humourist Jim Shea. Current events aren’t necessarily a laughing matter…but then again, what better way to fight sorrow than with laughter?
I originally received this in email, shortly after the terrorist attacks on the cities of Washington D.C. and New York, New York.
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The Taliban are not a fun bunch. And under their repressive rule, Afghanistan is not a fun place. In fact, the closest thing they have to entertainment there is when the men get together at an old soccer stadium to watch a thief have his hand amputated. I am not making this up. Among the things that the Taliban have outlawed are music, movies, television, radio, the internet, cards, books, magazines, newspapers, games, fireworks, poetry, art, dancing, picnics, wedding parties, children’s toys, dolls, kites, cameras and again — I’m not making this up — pet parakeets. Another thing that is prohibited is applause, which is not really that big a deal because it’s kind of hard to do one-handed.
As for dating, forget about it. If a woman is even seen on the street with a man who is not her husband or a close relative, she can end up at the soccer stadium on the business end of 100 lashes. And that’s if she is single. If she’s married, she can be stoned to death.
No, the Taliban are not what you might call easygoing. Rather, they are extreme fundamentalists whose rigid beliefs have about as much to do with mainstream Islam as the Spanish Inquisition did with Christianity.
What’s more, they are to gag for when it comes to tolerance. While Islam tends to be conservative by nature, it also acceptant of other beliefs. With the Taliban, it’s my way or the highway. If the is one thing the hard-liners hate more than someone having a good time, it is our way of life.
We should exploit this.
We should wage a little psychological warfare. While the serious business of responding to Osama bin Laden and his hosts is being planned, we should use the lull to irritate the bejesus of the Taliban. How? By bombarding Afghanistan with American pop culture. We can attack them with cargo planes loaded with everything: Yankee caps, Dockers, “The Weakest Link”, large Dominos with extra cheese.
I’m telling you, these Taliban types are so uptight that after a couple of days of “Jerry Springer” and designer sunglasses, they’ll be begging us to take bin Laden.
Here’s the plan
Day 1: We throw the Taliban into an absolute tizzy right off the bat by carpet-bombing the country with thong underwear, lots and lots of multi-colored pairs of men’s thong underwear.
Day 2: We drop images on them, weird, unsettling photos of Marilyn Manson, Barney and the Mardi Gras, and of course, the current Michael Jackson.
Day 3: Now comes the reading material: the Sunday New York Times, People, Rolling Stone, Stephen King, Harry Potter, Doonesbury and the Bill of Rights.
Day 4: Music is next: It arrives by way of millions of preloaded Discmans featuring rap, pop, disco, heavy metal, country, easy-listening (hey, this is war), old time rock n’ roll and, for good measure, something by Orrin Hatch.
Day 5: Time to drop the big one, American television: Friends, The Simpsons, Sex and the City, Politically Incorrect, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, Temptation Island and Seinfield, just to see who’s master of their domain.
Day 6: If they haven’t lost their will by now, this strafing will do it. Here’s where we let ‘em have it with movies, but not just any movies. We’re talking take-no-prisoners flicks here: Animal House, Caddyshack, The Nutty Professor, Meet the Parents and There’s Something About Mary.
Day 7: We give the Taliban one last chance to hand over bin Laden. If they don’t, we drop the neutron bomb of all strangeness on them: millions of huge color photos of Dennis Rodman in his white wedding dress.
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Dance craze, aerobic exercise, or stunted intellectual growth? You decide.
Sep 22, 2001
I ran a directory of self-help groups and organisations in the US, Canada, and the UK. There was also a section for online resources, such as group resource sites, rings, chat rooms, what have you. This site was strictly for ongoing personal support and recovery from things like alcoholism, physical abuse, sexual abuse, mental difficulties, and so on. I didn’t have heavy listings of, for example, cancer survival groups, because there was already a strong cancer support network in place in 1996, when I started the sites. Things like rape, gambling addiction, epilepsy, and learning disorders still carry a social stigma, and people suffering with these things may not always know that there are other sufferers who are there to support them, and be supported. No disaster relief sites, no tornado recovery, no earthquake assistance — those tend to be temporary sites, having a life of about four months maximum; and those also have well-known government bureaus that take an active hand in helping the victims and survivors. (When was the last time an anorexic or overweight woman had a government agent come to her home talk with her about not being pressured by society to conform to a certain body image, endangering her health in the process? If this ever happens, I will be quite pleasantly surprised to see that humans have gotten so good at taking care of ourselves and one another that governments have time to spend doing things like this, instead of putting in place and maintaining schools, police, and emergency care systems, along with the bajillion other things that they do.)
At any rate, on the 12th of September, I received a request to include a site for supporting the survivors of the terrorist attacks in New York. I deleted the site, saying that it was unsuitable content for my directory, which had a narrower focus; and advising the webmaster to get his site listed with DMOZ — they welcomed such listings, and from there, his site would be listed with Google, AOL, Yahoo, and hundreds of other search engines all over the globe. (I was also wary of letting any sites in that might be put together by spammers looking to capitalise on the terror in the eastern US, but didn’t say that — figured that either he’d understand my reasoning, or not, with my other remarks.) I received an email back in reply. Here’s the entire text:
unsuitable content
way to go
you must support Bin Laden!
Now, the events had everyone unsettled: everyone, no matter what country they called home, was shaken by what had happened just two days before. But this response was, supposedly, from someone with enough neurons rubbing together to put together a fairly nice site, appearance-wise, and then start submitting it to search engines, even off-the-beaten-path directories like the IYP. Yet his common sense flew right out the window. Can you all say ‘kneejerk jingo’? I know you can.
I should be nicer. He may have lost someone, or several someones, in the disaster. I truly don’t know where this person was located. I also don’t have the email any more — it was irritating me so much that I deleted it. Other than knowing it was an AOL address (which doesn’t say much these days, even though us longtime Internet users would dearly love to maintain our snobbery), there weren’t any details or clues that I remember about this person’s location. I didn’t check the header, either.
On a less serious note, I wonder if that will become a new exercise…
KNEEJERK JINGO!
Keep fit - keep trim - keep in shape to bomb and hate! Your heart rate will stay nice and low! Your hollow patriotism will go nice and high!
It also sounds like a new dance step, or some kind of spicy Caribbean food — you know, from the little island next to Jamaica: “We got Jamaican Jerk Chicken, and American Kneejerk Jingo!”
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Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
Sep 22, 2001
It's Happy! It's Fun! It's Happy Fun Ball!
Yes, Happy Fun Ball, the toy sensation that's sweeping the nation. Only $14.95 at particpating stores!
Get one Today!
Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.
Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.
Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:
- Itching
- Vertigo
- Dizziness
- Tingling in extremities
- Loss of balance or coordination
- Slurred speech
- Temporary blindness
- Profuse sweating
- Heart Palpitations
If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover your head.
Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.
When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.
Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.
Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.
Happy Fun Ball: ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!
Note: originally a Saturday Night Live skit.
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Think before you act and speak.
Sep 19, 2001
The events of 11 September in New York have made some people act foolish — ignorant — pathetic. Hate crimes against Arabic-ancestry people in both the US and Canada has peaked sharply. This is how folks respond to terrorism? By turning on their neighbours and attacking like mad dogs? They’re wrapping themselves in the flag, posturing sanctimoniously, and making me outright ashamed to be breathing the same air. I am not and have never been Polly Patriot, but I am proud to be an American (and a nascent Canadian/dual citizen.) But when people throw molotov cocktails at car dealerships, firebomb houses of worship, try and run semis off the road, jeer and belittle people who look like the enemy (chosen by the chief propagandists, remember, there still hasn’t been any hard evidence, only circumstantial)...I begin to wonder if there isn’t some planet somewhere that won’t accept immigration on the basis of sheer disgust.
But the idiocy isn’t everywhere. Lots of people are calling for calm, considered, rational action. Individuals all throughout the world are looking to counter anger with tolerance, respect, and love. Lots of web sites are speaking a common message: find and punish the ones who committed or knowingly allowed this act to be committed, but don’t take part in retaliatory wholesale slaughter and bullying.
The ideals of America — that by which, ostensibly, most citizens live — are tolerance and mutual respect. Using the flag and patriotism to justify hate crimes is as repugnant as radicals using the Quran to justify what happened to the thousands of people killed on 11 September on the east coast of the United States. Letting terrorist attacks destroy your ideals not only takes us further away from that which we aspire to, but it props up the arguments of people who would kill innocents. You’re living down to expectations.
Often during this crisis I have felt that no matter what I do, I can’t make a difference. All my talking about and urging tolerance and careful deliberation in finding the guilty parties doesn’t matter, because people are too angry to listen. AOL-Time Warner has a virtual monopoly on how America (and most of Canada) is seeing the events unfold (they are the parent company of CNN.) But seeing other messages of hope for tolerance makes me feel less isolated.
Speak up. Your messages of tolerance will be heard. They aren’t unseen. They aren’t ignored.
Maybe we can keep people from rushing headlong into madness and hatred after all.
(Side note: if I’m cute when I’m naive, that last statement must have made me look more syrupy-sweet adorable than any big-eyed doll-faced purple-haired anime cartoon heroine.)
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Pablo Neruda's Sonnet XVIII, both the original Spanish text and English translation.
Sep 16, 2001
Here I love you.
In the dark pines the wind disentangles itself.
The moon glows like phosphorous on the vagrant waters.
Days, all one kind, go chasing each other.
The snow unfurls in dancing figures.
A silver gull slips down from the west.
Sometimes a sail. High, high stars.
Oh the black cross of a ship.
Alone.
Sometimes I get up early and even my soul is wet.
Far away the sea sounds and resounds.
This is a port.
Here I love you.
Here I love you and the horizon hides you in vain.
I love you still among these cold things.
Sometimes my kisses go on those heavy vessels
that cross the sea towards no arrival.
I see myself forgotten like those old anchors.
The piers sadden when the afternoon moors there.
My life grows tired, hungry to no purpose.
I love what I do not have. You are so far.
My loathing wrestles with the slow twilights.
But night comes and starts to sing to me.
The moon turns its clockwork dream.
The biggest stars look at me with your eyes.
And as I love you, the pines in the wind
want to sing your name with their leaves of wire.
Spanish: titulo SONETO XVIII
Aquí te amo.
En los oscuros pinos se desenreda el viento.
Fosforece la luna
sobre las aguas errantes.
Andan días iguales persiguiéndose.
Se desciñe la niebla en danzantes figuras.
Una gaviota de plata se descuelga del ocaso.
A veces una vela. Altas, altas estrellas.
O la cruz negra de un barco.
Solo.
A veces amanezco, y hasta mi alma está húmeda.
Suena, resuena el mar lejano.
Este es un puerto.
Aquí te amo.
Aquí te amo y en vano te oculta el horizonte.
Te estoy amando aún entre estas frías cosas.
A veces van mis besos en esos barcos graves,
que corren por el mar hacia donde no llegan.
Ya me veo olvidado como estas viejas anclas.
Son más tristes los muelles cuando atraca la tarde.
Se fatiga mi vida inútilmente hambrienta.
Amo lo que no tengo. Estás tú tan distante.
Mi hastío forcejea con los lentos crepúsculos.
Pero la noche llega y comienza a cantarme.
la luna hace girar su rodaje de sueño.
Me miran con tus ojos las estrellas más grandes.
Y como yo te amo, los pinos en el viento,
quieren cantar tu nombre con sus hojas de alambre.
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Stop and think; don't just react blindly.
Sep 11, 2001
KEEP IN MIND, people, before we all descend face-first into ravening stupidity, that this action, whomever it was taken by, was not taken with the consent — bloody hell, even with the -=KNOWLEDGE=- — of all members of any ethnic, cultural, or national group.
So save your hatred and vituperation for the folks that actually deserve it. Don’t go alienating people at random.
Otherwise, you’re no better than the dogfuckers who perpetrated this morning’s little surprise. And the Power will spit on your heart and cast you into the realm of everlasting darkness. And I’ll host a party to dance on your grave.
Me? Vituperative? Where did you get that idea?!??
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