Don't piss us off - we have the root password.
Dec 27, 2002
When a tech says she’s coming right over, log out and go for a coffee. It’s no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.
When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
When tech support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We’re probably just testing out the public groups.
When a tech is eating his lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.
When a tech is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don’t have e-mail or a telephone line.
Send urgent e-mail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
When you call a tech’s direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that say’s he’s out of town for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You’re entitled to common courtesy.
When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support. There’s electronics in it, right?
When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can even fix telephone problems from here.
When something is wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech’s chair with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.
When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don’t actually mean for you to DO anything, we just love to hear ourselves talk.
When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don’t bother. We’ll be there to hold your hand after its done.
When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.
When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
Don’t use online help. Online help is for wimps.
If you’re taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for you and all your coworkers. We’re grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30 am fixing them.
When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.
Don’t ever think of us. We love this AND we get paid for it!
When a tech asks you whether you’ve installed any new software on this computer, lie. It’s nobody’s business what you’ve got on your computer.
If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 25kg of computer sitting on top of them.
If the space bar on your keyboard doesn’t work, blame it on the mail upgrade.
Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.
When you get a message saying “Are you sure?” click on the Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren’t sure, you wouldn’t be doing it, would you?
Feel perfectly free to say things like “I don’t know anything about this computer crap”. It never bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master’s degree in nuclear physics.
When something’s the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the [[help desk]]. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn’t know anything about the problem.
When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We’ve got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.
Don’t even think about breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid someone else might get a chance to squeeze into the queue.
When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the grocery store on weekends.
If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We’ll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6 makes your access database flip out.
When you bring us your own no-name brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so that your son can get back to playing Quake. We’ll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.
Feel free to ask us to install bootlegged software on your pc. We really enjoy loading pirated software on work computers, especially illegal copies of Bible and Resume software.
Yes, we would agree that the $4000 laptop your boss gave you to do your work should have all the game and tax software loaded on it for your use. After all, if he didn’t want to do that, he wouldnt have let you take it home. Feel free to complain to all your co-workers and my boss that you can’t do your work on it afterward as it crashes constantly.
Plug that 1500 watt heater in the same power strip with the pc. We’d agree that the pc must be garbage if a $10 electric heater could screw it up.
Of course tech support is stupid. How else could looking at a topless pic of Anna K. emailed to from your best friend screw up the pc?
Keywords: | work | technology | humor | help desk |
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They don't make us wear livery because they can't agree on a colorscheme.
Jul 08, 2002
- Miaow
- Feed me.
- meeow
- Pet me.
- mrooww
- I love you.
- miioo-oo-oo
- I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.
- mrow
- I feel like making noise.
- rrrow-mawww
- Please, the time has come to tidy the cat box.
- rrrow-miawww
- I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.
- miaowmiaow
- Play with me.
- miaowmioaw
- Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?
- mioawmioaw
- Since I can find nothing better to play with, I shall see what happens when I sharpen my claws on this handy piece of furniture.
- raowwwww
- I think I shall now spend time licking the most private parts of my anatomy.
- mrowwwww
- (only heard in males) I am now recalling, with sorrow, that some of my private parts did not return with me from that visit to the vet.
- roww-maww-roww
- I am so glad to see that you have returned home with both arms full of groceries. I will now rub myself against your legs and attempt to trip you as you walk towards the kitchen.
- mmeww
- I believe I have heard a burglar. If you would like to go and beat him senseless, I shall be happy to keep your spot in the bed warm.
- gakk-ak-ak
- My digestive passages seem to have formed a hairball. Wherever could this have come from? I shall leave it here upon the carpeting.
- mow
- Snuggling is a good idea.
- moww
- Shedding is pretty good, too.
- mowww!
- I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.
- miaow! miaow!
- I have discovered that, although one may be able to wedge one's body through the gap behind the stove and into that little drawer filled with pots and pans, the reverse path is slightly more difficult to navigate.
- mraakk!
- Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
- ssssroww!
- I believe that I have found a woodchuck. I shall now act terribly brave.
- mmmmmmm
- If I sit in the sunshine for another week or so, I think I shall be satisfied.
Keywords: | humor | communication | cats |
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Music by Sergei Prokofiev, lyrics by the Society for Creative Anachronism, rampant lunacy by you
Mar 19, 2002
This song has been termed The Viking Birthday Song, The Mongol Birthday Song, The Barbarian Birthday Song, and who knows how many other variations. It originated in the Society for Creative Anachronism — so blame them. Other verses exist somewhere out there in cyberspace, and you can make up your own; but these are the ones I learned. It’s sung to the tune of “The Volga Boatmen”. If you’ve got an energetic/overstimulated crowd of people who don’t mind Attracting Attention To Themselves, include a sound effect after each “happy birthday!” (bang mugs on the tabletop, growl, whatever makes you dizzy with delight.)
Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!
Death, destruction, and despair, People dying everywhere
On your Birthday! Oh Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!
May the candles on your cake burn like cities in your wake
On your Birthday! Oh Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!
Birthdays come but once a year marking time as Death draws near
On your Birthday! But Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!
Now that you’re the age you are your demise cannot be far
On your Birthday! But Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!
Black Death has just struck your town you yourself feel quite run-down
On your Birthday! But Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!
So far Death you have bypassed — don’t look back, he’s gaining fast
On your Birthday! But Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!
When you’ve reached this age you know that the mind is first to go
On your Birthday! But Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday never fear, you’ll be dead this time next year
On your Birthday! But Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!
We brought linen, white as cloud for the sewing of your shroud
On your Birthday! But Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!
While you eat your birthday stew, we will loot the town for you
On your Birthday! Oh Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!
This one lesson you must learn: First you pillage, then you burn
On your Birthday! Oh Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!
Burn, then rape by firelight; add _romance_ to life tonight
On your Birthday! Oh Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!
Your servants steal, your wife’s untrue, your children plot to murder you
On your Birthday! But Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!
Just be glad the friends you’ve got haven’t found out you-know-what
On your Birthday! But Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!
You must marry very soon — baby’s due by next full moon
On your Birthday! But Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!
May your deeds with sword and axe equal those with sheep and yaks
On your Birthday! Oh Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!
Let the women wail and weep, kill them all, but SAVE THE SHEEP
For your Birthday! Oh Happy Birthday!
Keywords: | lyrics | humor |
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It's all really very simple.
Feb 01, 2002
ANARCHISM: You have two cows. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.
ANARCHISM: You have two cows. You steal your neighbor’s bull and ignore the government.
ANARCHISM: You have two cows. You keep the cows and steal another one. You ignore the government.
ANARCHISM: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHISM: You have two cows. Your neighbor hits you over the head with a brick, steals your cows, then shoots them for fun. You later discover that he is a Nazi.
ARISTOCRATISM: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow...with a pedigree.
ARTIST, VISUAL: You have two cows. You stuff them and put them in glass display boxes. In London.
BRITISH: You have two cows. They are crazy. You try to sell them in Europe.
BRITISH, MAJOR: You have two cows. One has BSE. You get a vet to give the other one the all clear, and then declare there is no problem from BSE in your country.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. To register them, you fill in 17 forms in triplicate and don’t have time to milk them.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
BUREAUCRACY, EUROPEAN UNION: You have two cows. The EU loses one cow, milks the other and then spills the milk.
BUREAUCRACY, UNITED STATES: You have two cows. The government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the other.
CANADIANISM: You have two cows. The bank takes both of them, shoots one, throws away the milk and you shoot yourself.
CAPITALISM: You don’t have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don’t have any cows to put up as collateral.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN: You have two cows. You sell one of them, and buy a bull. The cow and bull have a great love life; you sell the movie rights to Hollywood. Then you go into real estate.
CAPITALISM, ENRON STYLE: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
CAPITALISM, HONG KONG: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows’ milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.
CENTRALISM: You have two cows. And a problem finding them in the middle of the field with 100,000,000 other cows.
CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You freeze the milk and embalm the cows.
CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You lock them up, and charge people to look at them.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and gives you part of the milk.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both cows. The government sells the milk in government stores. You can’t afford the milk. You wither away.
More..!
Keywords: | humor | government | economy | cows |
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These are dangerous! ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?!??!??
Nov 15, 2001
The Goodtimes! Virus
Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there’s company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boyfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can?t find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss’s voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
These are just a few signs...Just be very careful!
More..!
Keywords: | satire | parody | Goodtimes | Deeyenda |
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It's one of the four geek food groups. It's also a major historical force.
Nov 01, 2001
6 Million B.C.: No chocolate. Nobody leaves their cave. Why bother?
5000 B.C.: Discovery of fire, and also the toasted sandwich.
2560 B.C.: Egyptians build pyramids. Chocolate lovers plan to make Pyramints.
2000 B.C.: People in China invent ice cream: no chocolate. Resort to using vanilla. The people revolt and tear down the Great Wall.
1800 B.C.: Mystical rocks of Stonehenge are shlepped to southern England, honouring the great god Choco. Druids break their teeth trying to eat them.
753 B.C.: Romulus and Remus establish Rome! Still no chocolate. Romulus kills Remus because he doesn?t care.
120 B.C.: Lions at Coliseum stop eating men; insist on chocolate instead.
43 B.C.: Rome conquers England, in search of chocolate to feed the lions and Emperors. They don’t find any, so Caesar is killed in the Theatre of Pompeii.
1066 A.D.: Norman Conquest of England to gain access to chocolate. Apparently, they didn’t listen to the Romans.
1100 A.D.: Dyslexic Aztecs discover chocolatl, start using cocoa beans as money. Economy suffers when people eat their profits. Aztec society fails.
1200-1300 A.D.: People still hunt for legendary land of Atlantis, in the hope that it contains chocolate. Also, some knight named Lancelot falls in love with Guinivere.
1453 A.D.: The French end their Hundred Years’ War with England, agreeing that neither one nor the other has a secret stash of Ferrero Rocher which they are hiding from the ambassadors.
1492 A.D.: Nice Italian boy named Columbus sails to the New World. Go, Christoforo! Unfortunately, he doesn’t find the chocolate yet. Quite surprisingly, his crew mutiny.
1506 A.D.: Leonardo da Vinci tells Mona Lisa to say cheese. Mona doesn’t feel much like smiling...if only he had waited thirteen more years!
1519 A.D.: Hernàn Cortès, Spanish adventurer comes to Tenochtitlan in search of gold. Finds legendary treasure of chocolate, kills the Aztecs and takes the chocolate home. Rich Spaniards suddenly get fatter. Leonardo da Vinci eats chocolate, is overwhelmed and dies. So that’s why he didn’t paint it at this time then. Martin Luther sees the Pope eating chocolate and gets jealous; he starts the Protestant church.
1520 A.D.: Chocolate on sale in slab form, rich people make houses with them as bricks, not remembering tales of gingerbread houses, and the poor people eat them. Poor people are executed.
1601 A.D.: Shakespeare’s Hamlet first performed. It wasn’t until after chocolate was discovered that the reason for his depression became apparent.
1608 A.D.: Landing at Plymouth Rock. Pilgrims eat with Indians, who bring along some risotto, antipasto and a nice Chianti. They don’t bring chocolate, so they don’t last the winter.
1657 A.D.: Chocolate introduced to England. A cocoa house was opened in London, the Humble Petition and Advice creates the House of Lords, but no one attends as they are all in the Cocoa House. The republic falls and monarchy is later restored.
1776 A.D.: America demands to be free from England to make its own chocolate. Instigators later travel to what is now Wisconsin. American chocolate proves to be poor, and the Americans subsequently turn out to be neurotic and always visiting psychiatrists about chocolate inadequacy.
1848 A.D.: Communist Manifesto written. Not a word about chocolate. Communism ultimately fails as a result.
1859 A.D.: Charles Darwin’s Origin of Species published. Court case centred around whether monkeys ate chocolate too.
1840 A.D.: Queen Victoria gets mammoth chocolate bar as a wedding gift. Also, 10 toasters, 35 cake plates and 15 fruit bowls. She really wanted a digital watch.
1903 A.D.: Wright Brothers succeed with first flight at Kittyhawk. Belgium’s chocolate export plans are looking up.
1908 A.D.: Henry Ford fed up of walking to the shops for chocolate. Inspired, he builds the Model T.
1937 A.D.: Stock Market Crash. Men leap out of Wall Street windows, distraught at inability to afford good British, Swiss and Belgian chocolate.
1939-45 A.D.: World War Two. Switzerland remains strangely neutral. (And sells chocolate to both sides.)
July 20, 1969 A.D.: Man goes to Moon. Run out of chocolate. Man goes home. Barely managing to survive the trip.
1970 A.D.: Beatles cross Abbey Road to get some Bourneville. Sweet store is closed; band breaks up. Sad.
1989 A.D.: Berlin Wall crumbles like a nice Cadbury’s flake.
1991 A.D.: Brian Adams writes a song devoted to chocolate; &lquoEverything I do, I do it for you.” It stays in the charts till…
1992 A.D.: Whitney Houston’s “And I will always love you” knocks it from the top spot. Chocolate lovers everywhere sing along to their favourite bar, and divorce rates rise.
1994 A.D.: Forrest Gump declares that life is like a box of chocolates? Film becomes instant hit.
1999 A.D.: Millennium Dome opened; no chocolate stand.
2000 A.D.: Millennium Dome closes after only one year. Chocolate lovers laugh.
2001 A.D.: Chocolate reigns supreme.
Keywords: | humor | chocolate |
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